The New and Improved Jedi Academy
by Ender2
Summary: A new Jedi temple is built on Coruscant that has some unorthodox ways of doing things... R


The New and Improved Jedi Academy

Official Disclaimer:All of the characters named in this fic, except for Diitz, are not mine and are the sole and exclusive property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm, and their affiliates.The magazine Ranger Rick also is not mine and is the property of its publishers.I do not own any person, place or thing mentioned in this fic, and am not making any money from it.

Author's Note:The ideas for this fic were spawned at around 12:00 at night, which explains why it is as crazy as it is, a fact you will see if you read it.I promised my friend, the author Spazoid, that she could insert random comments throughout the story, so the comments in parenthesis and in bold are her thoughts.If you can't tell by the end, she is a massive Obi-Wan fan.This really has no plot, but is an insane fic that hopefully comes off as funny.It's rated PG for some really minor swears and semi-graphic mentions of death, but all Anakin haters will love it.So, anyway, tell me what you think and review it.Thanks!

Author's Note #2:Just so people know, I finally posted the third and final part to my Obi-torture/angst fic, Quietus. (I know, I know, stop advertising) Sorry it took so long, but check it out and please review it, too.

The New and Improved Jedi Academy

By Ender

A group of 19 **(19? Why not a well-rounded number like twenty?)** tourists was walking around the new Jedi Temple that had been built on Coruscant.They were there for the tour, which the Jedi had started to pay for the huge building costs.A tour guide and a tram made up of golf carts ran through the entire temple every hour, the tour only taking 45 minutes itself.The new temple was much smaller then the first, but was still a respectable size.

As the tourists mingled and looked around the lobby, a woman wearing a nametag and a huge fake smile approached.She clapped her hands suddenly and motioned for the people to come closer. **(clap on… clap off…)**

"Hellooo, everyone!" she said, "I'm your tour guide, Diitz! If you could please follow me, I'll start your tour."** (the name certainly fits her…)**

They followed her to the five waiting golf carts that were chained together.The tourists took a seat and Diitz began to talk into a crackling microphone as she drove.

"Welcome to the new and improved Jedi Temple.We provide the traditional Jedi teachings while adding more modern practices and philosophies.Right now we're passing under our school's new motto, only used in this temple."

The carts passed under a huge archway.Scrawled in 4-foot-high letters in marble was the motto: 'Even if you die, come back as a ghost and kick their ass'.**(hell yeah!)**

"Coming up on your right and left are the classrooms where our students are being taught many promising skills.Everybody say hi!"Diitz started to wave vigorously, prompting the tour group to do so.A master that was demonstrating levitation in a nearby classroom waved back, dropping the student that he was lifting high in the air. **(poor kid… what am I saying! *laughs her head off *)**

The student, on the way down, hit and flattened an unsuspecting Yoda who had been walking by.The horrified student apologized profusely to Yoda, who had gotten up and started to corner the teacher.

"Idiot, are you?A brain, do you have?My gimer stick, you shall meet!"The culprit screamed. **(I wonder if that thing really hurts…)**

"NOT THE STICK!!!ANYTHING BUT THE STICK!!!"**(I guess so…)**He ran away with Yoda in pursuit.The green Jedi Master stopped after a few moments because he was moving too slow and had no chance of catching the other Jedi.As he walked away he began to mumble to himself.

"Moron, he is.Headache, I have."Diitz, watching the entire episode, looked back at the group.

"Right."She looked confused, then started the golf carts up again and began to drive down the hall."Well, now we're coming up on two new concepts that were suggested by our female initiates.Please follow me."She got off the golf cart and the crowd of tourists followed her.**(See? Women ALWAYS get what they want…)**

They came to a room that had very high ceilings and enormous skylights that shed light on the floor.This wasn't really needed because of all the candles set on either side of the room.**(ooo… fire…)**

On the left side was a huge, 20-foot-tall picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi ***drools ***, on the right was a picture of a Gungan that was of equal size. **(how did a Gungan get in here?) **Both pictures were surrounded by the bright candles and gifts that looked strangely like offerings.Diitz pointed at them and turned towards the tour group.

"This is our shrine room.To your left is the Obi-Wan Kenobi shrine, the most-used room in the entire temple.Our female Jedi come here to pay their respects and drool over the picture.Every sunset they sacrifice a dewback **( dewback? Wouldn't that be a little hard to carry? And aren't they from Tatooine?)**to Obi-Wan.We ask that you please bow to the picture now, as is the custom here."

The group obediently bowed to the picture. ****(bows)As they did, Diitz looked over at them and saw a familiar face.She walked over and hit a tourist lightly on the shoulder.

"Not you, you moron!"she yelled."What are you doing here?"The tourist, who happened to be Obi-Wan himself stood up looking slightly confused.**(so what if he's notsmart?! He's hot!)**

"I wanted to see the differences in the temples.And I just did what you told me t -…aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"A group of female padawans that had been walking past noticed him and had started to scream like crazed boy-band fans.**(* shudders*boy bands…)**Other people heard the commotion and came running over.Obi-Wan tried to sneak, then run away, but collected more and more girls until he had a huge, screaming mob chasing after him.Diitz ignored his pleas for help and decided to continue the tour as if nothing had happened.**(hey! You're supposed to help the hot Jedi!)**

"Well, that was interesting.Now the shrine to your right is our Captain Tarpals shrine.**(So that's how a gungan got in here…)**He is the only Gungan that has more than half a brain and is the only one of his species that is allowed to be talked about in this temple.This excludes talking about the torture, maiming or death of them, or their mention in these tours.The punishment for mentioning Jar Jar Binks, Boss Nass, or any other Gungan of their stupidity is 20+ lashes with a bullwhip.**(whips!? In the Jedi Temple?)**Please bow to Captain Tarpals and return to your carts. (**bows)**

After everyone was loaded onto the carts again they started down the hall.

"All right everyone.Our Jedi Masters favorite is coming up on your right.This is the Sithspit bar, which our older Jedi like to frequent."** ( I thought sithspit was a swear…)**

As the tourists looked in they saw Yoda sitting in a booster seat on a barstool.He was reading a Ranger Rick magazine**(they get Ranger Rick in the star wars universe? I used to read those too…)** while drinking Greenzinee, a powerful alcohol.He was still muttering about his headache while reading it.Yoda turned and saw the group, hopped off his bar stool and told Diitz to stop, then climbed into Obi-Wan's vacant seat.** (*fumes * it's Obi's seat, not his…)**

"Well, continuing on our tour, these are more Force-study classes.Of course, all of these practices taught here are covered in the Moron's Guide to the Force, which is available in the gift shop."

"Who's that?" asked a tourist, interrupting her.He pointed to a set of doors to the outside, by which stood a boy with a horrible haircut.** (is it my brother?)**

"Oh, that's Anakin Skywalker, our janitor," answered Diitz.**(HAHAHA! The little brats a janitor!)** Yoda looked over and watched as Anakin threw a banana peel into a nearby garbage can.He was immediately enraged.

"Throw a banana peel into the garbage, did you?Put it in a compost pile, you must.Die for this, you shall."(**KILL HIM! KILL HIM!)**

Yoda hopped off the golf cart and headed towards Anakin, waving his magazine.The janitor started to run, but Yoda lobbed the magazine at him and stunned the boy for a second.**(Must have been a pretty thick magazine.) **The magazine gave him a fatal paper cut, then Yoda used the Force to throw Anakin off the balcony.**(wild cheers from the muse!) **He fell a hundred stories down, then hit the ground while most of the tour group cheered.Yoda walked away smiling, happy that he had finally gotten rid of the boy.** ( YODA! YODA!)**

"That reminds me," Diitz commented, "we also have Anakin dolls available in the gift shop that include lighters and a great deal of lighter fluid for a relatively low price.**(ooo… more fire…) **It's one of our best sellers, along with our custom-made lightsabers that really work and are acceptable for use by the general public.**(isn't that a setup for the perfect lawsuit?) **Here's a helpful tip.If you do buy one, please make sure that you don't cut off any extremities with it.The last time someone did that it was a complete mess." **(oh yes, I'm going to purposely try and take a limb off… Who does she think we are? Anakin?) **She walked over to a door at the end of the hall.

"Well, this concludes our tour.I hope you enjoyed it and learned more about the Jedi order and the temple.The gift shop is through this door, and it contains all I talked about and more.If you are one of our Obi-Wan Kenobi fans, postcards and posters of him are available **(whips out her wallet)**, as well as those of Captain Tarpals.Tickets are sold at the register for other tours and for the dewback sacrifice every night. **( whips out her wallet yet again) **We also have snow globes, action figures, and our own Jedi commemorative coins. Thank you again for coming, and I hope that we'll see you here again soon!** (she sounds like one of those cheap infomercials…)**Goodbye!"


End file.
